The New Year: My Last Maybe.

The longer I breathe, the more it kills me to do so.
Everyday is a battle against myself.
And everyday the sliver of hope in me grows weary and thin.
I've no longer faith in myself.
I am broken, far beyond where I've gone before this.
I despise myself, for not being able to mean something to anyone.
All I see in myself is failure and the pathetic shadow of my former self.
And I no longer see myself meaningful to her.
Yet every time, I feel like letting it all up, there's always something.

Just when I'm about to lose everything, she tells me to have faith.
When you told me that you have faith in me, I cried.
Why?
I just can't see it anymore.
If I can't be what I'm supposed to be, then all I will be is poison to you.
Yet, even then you'd tell me you love me.
That you need me.

Whenever I need your hand to hold to, I could only grab onto nothing except my own heart that's tearing itself up.
Whenever I want to say "I love you", I could only be quiet and wish I wasn't there with you.
Whenever I feel like leaving you, the thought of abandoning you is even worse than suicide.
Whenever I want to brace you in my arms, I could only shrug and pretend that you're not even there.

So what am I supposed to do.

I don't expect you to read this.
And I don't want you to, but I just hope you would.
I'm sorry.