ABSOLUTION. REDEMPTION. AND A SECOND CHANCE PERHAPS.

Shit.
That's the word that has been repeatedly replaying in my mind over and over again without any mercy. Not to mention other profanities, but this one particular word is sufficient to sum it all up.

So bad, that I'm writing this friggin' thing.
So bad, that it hurts every time i try to think or even remember.
So bad, that not even a minute passes by without having flashbacks.
So bad, that I've become paranoid over the phone. Not to mention the net.
So bad, that I dunno whether the voices in my mind are even sane.
So bad, that it breaks me into pieces every time it reminds me.

I wished that night didn't even existed in the place.
I wished I had gone back early.
I wished that my fingers hadn't that itchy.
I wished my phone was dead.
I wished there would've been more people around.

But all this wishes, are just excuses.
The fact that I WANTED to be there that night didn't change.
The fact that I ENJOYED that presence.
The fact that I wanted for ALL of this to happen.
The fact that I ended the night WRONGFULLY.
The fact that I CHICKENED out from the oppurtunity.

So after this holiday, I'm gonna do it.
I won't hold it anymore because i can't stand the regression of not doing anything rather regretting on doing something.
I will fulfill the promise that I made to myself a long time ago.
I don't care whatever happens to me in the future, cause sooner or later, I'll be DAMNED anyways.

Fuck the consequences and all that shit. I don't give a damn anymore.
I just CAN'T anymore.
Not anymore.
So butcher or slaughter me if u want. ~can't feel no pain no more~
Hell, just condemn me if u will. ~makes no difference~
BUT UNTIL I GET IT DONE, NOT EVEN A SINGLE SOUL CAN LAY ME TO REST.

The chance lost and the regret.

I hate regretting.
I really do.
I wish i'd stop doing stuff that'll make me regret.
But usually, it's the stuff that i didnt do that makes regretful.
And i totally hate that.

Last week was an example, heck it shouldnt even be an example; IT WAS NOT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Yet, i miraculously did it. Again. Threw the chance away.
Dang.

And now i dont even know whether ANYTHING after this will ever be the same.
With my ever-restless mind going cuckoo, and not to mention this tasteless raya;
the noose is bound to see me sooner or later.

So, rub it in my face, please do so.
Anything's better than total silence and awaitment.

RAYA + $$ + FOOD!!! = somethin's missin....

Aha.
Raya. Finally came huh? Whoppeee.
Damn, this isn't right.

For the first in raya history, ive lost my raya spirit.
Everything seems to be in place..... but something's not. And i don't know what it is.
DAMN.

Raya is here... check.
Duit raya....... check.
Baju raya...... check. CHECK.
Food........... check.
Family......... check.

If according to my logic, that all should be enough but.....
Why the hell am i feeling sooooooo restless?
Everything now feels...... hollow.
Food is pretty much tasteless.....
The people.... well same old same old....
Even the money..... well, lets just say ive missed something SO bad to make me even not care about it anymore.

Huh. So much for raya.

IM BACK WITH A VENGEANCE! (i think)

Dudes/Dudettes




Its been a friggin long time since i crapped bout anything in here

and now im back

WITH VENGEANCE......not.



Now after 2 years of not writing, a lot of things have changed

my cycle of friends, my interest, lifesttyle; u name it





But never the less, i still remain the same as ever: still clueless and ever crapping about the unevitable

Hey some things never do change.

I guess start from my start here at IBT lah.


Rule Number #1: Unwind or Sidewind



Here it's just like what the rules says; unwind or get sidewinded.

The tonnes of shukudais that u get here DAILY is just like David vs Goliath; but u ain't no David, and the Goliath is in plural form.

You get stressed here with the slightest of ease; even a simple joke can be a factor to form a suicidal path.

And the senseis here ain't much of a help either.

But what you do to unwind doesnt really matter. As long you don't end up waking up sideways tomorrow, everything's fine by me.

Me; I do what I do best: Games and music.

But since just lost my mp4 lately, i've been quite paranoid over the class periods; the music is like hash to numb the pain.



Rule Number #2: Try to flavor the day



You wake up here every mornin to do only 2 things; memorizing the kanji and taking the kanji test. EVERYDAY.

Note that I bolded that last word. And when i actually BOLD something, I don't kid around kiddo.

So, to make dull things in the mornin overshadow everything later in gray, grab a bunch of Bunchos and start colouring.

Gods, I'd rather see any colour than the usual gray in the mornin.

That's why i HAD an 8 GIG mp4. But since i don't HAVE it anymore,I'm getting sicker by the day. But then, THANK GODS i have my W890i in my possession of remaining gadgets. Otherwise, there bus load would be lighter than the usual, you know.



Rule Number #3: You DESERVE your weekends.



Yep you do. Otherwise, you wouldnt make it through the first month at all.
Like me, I NEVER, EVER, EVER do work on the friday night AND the whole saturday.
And even sometimes, it doesn't feel like it's enough. Maybe it never does at all. Aw heck.

And that's that.
But i think even with enough guidelines created and followed, someday eventually the pressure will crush you.

Aaaa. no use in telling this to you guys anyways.
Gi dota lagi best. Ciao.