Lighter. Now. Alive.

After a long while, i feel like i can finally breathe again. XD

Trying.

To this day, i still ask myself; what does it mean to be a friend?
And to this day very still, i still can't answer that.

According to my own logic, i should always be wary of friends need and wishes.
But, to what extent? To what extent also should i be selfish?
Should i always never display my needs, merely following what they want?

I know that's not it, but how then? How do you differentiate selfishness and just being urself?
Is there even a difference?

This very instillment causes me so much confusion, to me and my self belief.
I know that I'm very ego-istical and hard headed, and i believe in being like that.
But yet, im not unfamiliar towards the idea of "change". Yes, i do believe in changing for the better, but is it worth it to lose my self in the process of it?

No, i'll not change when im sweet talked to or advised to.
In fact, maybe i won't change at all, but it doesn't mean I'll stay the same.

Sometimes i wonder what is it really that u want.
And sometimes, it becomes every time.
And every time, it'll only leave me speechless and confused.
And confused, cold words tend to be spoken.
And spoken, hurt will be more wounded.
And wounded, none more can be said.

U won't let me get close to u, yet u keep me close at bay. What am i supposed to do?
U know me more than u can admit, yet u ask me these things. What am i supposed to say?
U want me forget u, but u only make it complicated. How am i supposed to forget?
U deny the only thing that i want to be for u, then what am i supposed to be?
U want me to move on, yet u keep reminding me. What then?

Come and go.

My life is full of things that aren't permanent.
They just come and go, as they wish and will.
No matter how hard i try, it'll only be a matter of time before the depart.

I'm not really speaking specifically about a thing or a person; generally everything has been like that. From gifts, like my MP3 or PS2, or even my drum sticks, to women; as hard (or as easy) as they appear in my insignificant life, they'll just vanish like that eventually.

I thought i had one thing/person now that stays; one that doesn't even make my mind change.
One that i thought was real, and not just me daydreaming about.
One that makes up for my sleepless nights.
One that makes me doubt my self belief.
One that i thought that was the one.
But i guess it came up just short of real huh. Tch.

The only thing that is permanent in my life is just, well, the voices inside. And of course, the music. These are the only two things that never change, thorughout my life, they have always been true. As annoying as the voices get, yet, they are the ones accompanying me whenever I'm alone. As for the music, they always keep me in the mood, or sane for that matter. The right kind of music usually appears at the right moment; which is somehow creepily eerie.

Friends? Yea, sure lots of em. Good ones, too.
Family? Heck, love em like hell.
Dream? Everyday i wanna be a wannabe.
Lovers? As usual, I'm a problematic one.

But yet, everything feels as if they're not really there.
I mean they're there but, well, nothing seems to be sticking in its place nowadays.

Signing off,
Pissed-off-and-Tired Voice.

FISH.....

Huh.
My life is prctically impossible without problems appearing one after the other.
Doesnt have to be the same one; nor does it have to be a big deal or no deal, it'll definitely yank back my smile upside down.
DANG. I'm tired of this.

ABSOLUTION. REDEMPTION. AND A SECOND CHANCE PERHAPS.

Shit.
That's the word that has been repeatedly replaying in my mind over and over again without any mercy. Not to mention other profanities, but this one particular word is sufficient to sum it all up.

So bad, that I'm writing this friggin' thing.
So bad, that it hurts every time i try to think or even remember.
So bad, that not even a minute passes by without having flashbacks.
So bad, that I've become paranoid over the phone. Not to mention the net.
So bad, that I dunno whether the voices in my mind are even sane.
So bad, that it breaks me into pieces every time it reminds me.

I wished that night didn't even existed in the place.
I wished I had gone back early.
I wished that my fingers hadn't that itchy.
I wished my phone was dead.
I wished there would've been more people around.

But all this wishes, are just excuses.
The fact that I WANTED to be there that night didn't change.
The fact that I ENJOYED that presence.
The fact that I wanted for ALL of this to happen.
The fact that I ended the night WRONGFULLY.
The fact that I CHICKENED out from the oppurtunity.

So after this holiday, I'm gonna do it.
I won't hold it anymore because i can't stand the regression of not doing anything rather regretting on doing something.
I will fulfill the promise that I made to myself a long time ago.
I don't care whatever happens to me in the future, cause sooner or later, I'll be DAMNED anyways.

Fuck the consequences and all that shit. I don't give a damn anymore.
I just CAN'T anymore.
Not anymore.
So butcher or slaughter me if u want. ~can't feel no pain no more~
Hell, just condemn me if u will. ~makes no difference~
BUT UNTIL I GET IT DONE, NOT EVEN A SINGLE SOUL CAN LAY ME TO REST.

The chance lost and the regret.

I hate regretting.
I really do.
I wish i'd stop doing stuff that'll make me regret.
But usually, it's the stuff that i didnt do that makes regretful.
And i totally hate that.

Last week was an example, heck it shouldnt even be an example; IT WAS NOT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Yet, i miraculously did it. Again. Threw the chance away.
Dang.

And now i dont even know whether ANYTHING after this will ever be the same.
With my ever-restless mind going cuckoo, and not to mention this tasteless raya;
the noose is bound to see me sooner or later.

So, rub it in my face, please do so.
Anything's better than total silence and awaitment.

RAYA + $$ + FOOD!!! = somethin's missin....

Aha.
Raya. Finally came huh? Whoppeee.
Damn, this isn't right.

For the first in raya history, ive lost my raya spirit.
Everything seems to be in place..... but something's not. And i don't know what it is.
DAMN.

Raya is here... check.
Duit raya....... check.
Baju raya...... check. CHECK.
Food........... check.
Family......... check.

If according to my logic, that all should be enough but.....
Why the hell am i feeling sooooooo restless?
Everything now feels...... hollow.
Food is pretty much tasteless.....
The people.... well same old same old....
Even the money..... well, lets just say ive missed something SO bad to make me even not care about it anymore.

Huh. So much for raya.

IM BACK WITH A VENGEANCE! (i think)

Dudes/Dudettes




Its been a friggin long time since i crapped bout anything in here

and now im back

WITH VENGEANCE......not.



Now after 2 years of not writing, a lot of things have changed

my cycle of friends, my interest, lifesttyle; u name it





But never the less, i still remain the same as ever: still clueless and ever crapping about the unevitable

Hey some things never do change.

I guess start from my start here at IBT lah.


Rule Number #1: Unwind or Sidewind



Here it's just like what the rules says; unwind or get sidewinded.

The tonnes of shukudais that u get here DAILY is just like David vs Goliath; but u ain't no David, and the Goliath is in plural form.

You get stressed here with the slightest of ease; even a simple joke can be a factor to form a suicidal path.

And the senseis here ain't much of a help either.

But what you do to unwind doesnt really matter. As long you don't end up waking up sideways tomorrow, everything's fine by me.

Me; I do what I do best: Games and music.

But since just lost my mp4 lately, i've been quite paranoid over the class periods; the music is like hash to numb the pain.



Rule Number #2: Try to flavor the day



You wake up here every mornin to do only 2 things; memorizing the kanji and taking the kanji test. EVERYDAY.

Note that I bolded that last word. And when i actually BOLD something, I don't kid around kiddo.

So, to make dull things in the mornin overshadow everything later in gray, grab a bunch of Bunchos and start colouring.

Gods, I'd rather see any colour than the usual gray in the mornin.

That's why i HAD an 8 GIG mp4. But since i don't HAVE it anymore,I'm getting sicker by the day. But then, THANK GODS i have my W890i in my possession of remaining gadgets. Otherwise, there bus load would be lighter than the usual, you know.



Rule Number #3: You DESERVE your weekends.



Yep you do. Otherwise, you wouldnt make it through the first month at all.
Like me, I NEVER, EVER, EVER do work on the friday night AND the whole saturday.
And even sometimes, it doesn't feel like it's enough. Maybe it never does at all. Aw heck.

And that's that.
But i think even with enough guidelines created and followed, someday eventually the pressure will crush you.

Aaaa. no use in telling this to you guys anyways.
Gi dota lagi best. Ciao.